Sometimes i sit and wonder.. do we really want love to be our main goal in life, do we actually want someone to love us and show us the way, do we want to feel that filled with passion feeling that never ending story that makes us itch every minute, nay every second of our living days?
Sometimes i sit and wonder..why does love come and go, why is it such an illusion that doesnt cease to fool the brain, blind the heart and completely trick the body?
Sometimes i sit and wonder.
And here i go again. I fell in love, hard and deep and i havent admitted it out loud so far. I've kept it deep and buried and hidden from sick, ill minds. Unfortunately, my eyes dont lie, my heart doesnt hide, my face cant stand still and not express.
I do not know why i cant hide this feeling when all it's brought me is pain and suffering. Every time i choose wrong and wronged myself. I have tried to trick myself into thinking its a lie, its in my imagination. Why does it have to be so hard? Its not worth fighting for either. Its an illusion that kills every rational thought, every bit of my already shattered heart.
Sometimes i sit and wonder..how did i allow myself to feel again, it swooped in and never came out. I fell in love with this hard, complicated man. I fell in love with this illusion i built in my head. I fell in love and i started bursting out light, but it hurts, because once again i fell in love with the wrong person.
I fell in love and i do not have a switch to turn it off. I sit and wonder at how my very own brain builds all these scenarios of happy endings and things i'll never live and how much i want them to be real.
I sit and wonder at how great this wonderful feeling is and how much power it holds and how quickly it can break you in tiny little pieces.
I've never asked much..but to love and be loved. How cruel can this feeling be when its not shared, how time consuming can it become, how heavy and terrible it can be.
But..i sit and wonder...and marvel at how resilient i am in not giving up the idea of maybe one day.. but that one day will never come..and then i sit and wonder .. why have i not stopped ?
