I am old or just bored?

 

I used to be young and full of dreams once, 32 didnt feel as old, nor does 35, im about to be 36, and it feels older than all the rest of them.

I have nothing in life, nothing to show for it, just lost love and broken hearts. Lost time and fading memories. I wish i could turn back in time and make brighter decisions, smarter actions, to lead me down a different path. Aint it funny tho, how you cant take time back, but you continue to screw some more of it. I lead a very lonely life, tucked away in a flat, which i dont leave very much, i had such big dreams and big hopes and a huge appetite for life. Now i have a hunger for quiet and peace and love. I want someone to love me for me, to see me, to hold me and cuddle me, and have non sense conversations with me, and watch an endless amount of shitty movies that make me ball my eyes out. But im 36, and its haunting me because i dont go out, i have a permanent life illness thats marked me for life, changed how i look, how l feel, and regardless how much i push and want to change it, i cant do a single damn thing about it. I want my own little family and maybe to leave someone behind that will remember me, someone who’s going to change this world and their life in ways i couldnt. I left home when i was 17, then again when i was 24, and i forgot the big dreamer somewhere along the way. I cant be her anymore and i dont know who me is now. Maybe i am a d**k, lifeless with no dreams, maybe this is my dream, peace and quiet and stability. Writing has always been my way of expressing, every time i wrote i left a piece of regret in there, a map to a memory, but i read back now and i cant find or see the memory anymore. I can feel memories sometimes, they make me laugh, and feel things long buried, maybe one day my turn to be happy will come…

Love comes and goes ..the illusion that kills every rational thought, every bit of my already shattered heart.

 Sometimes i sit and wonder.. do we really want love to be our main goal in life, do we actually want someone to love us and show us the way, do we want to feel that filled with passion feeling that never ending story that makes us itch every minute, nay every second of our living days?

 Sometimes i sit and wonder..why does love come and go, why is it such an illusion that doesnt cease to fool the brain, blind the heart and completely trick the body?

Sometimes i sit and wonder.

 And here i go again. I fell in love, hard and deep and i havent admitted it out loud so far. I've kept it deep and buried and hidden from sick, ill minds. Unfortunately, my eyes dont lie, my heart doesnt hide, my face cant stand still and not express.

 I do not know why i cant hide this feeling when all it's brought me is pain and suffering. Every time i choose wrong and wronged myself. I have tried to trick myself into thinking its a lie, its in my imagination. Why does it have to be so hard? Its not worth fighting for either. Its an illusion that kills every rational thought, every bit of my already shattered heart.


 Sometimes i sit and wonder..how did i allow myself to feel again, it swooped in and never came out. I fell in love with this hard, complicated man. I fell in love with this illusion i built in my head. I fell in love and i started bursting out light, but it hurts, because once again i fell in love with the wrong person.

I fell in love and i do not have a switch to turn it off. I sit and wonder at how my very own brain builds all these scenarios of happy endings and things i'll never live and how much i want them to be real.

I sit and wonder at how great this wonderful feeling is and how much power it holds and how quickly it can break you in tiny little pieces.

I've never asked much..but to love and be loved. How cruel can this feeling be when its not shared, how time consuming can it become, how heavy and terrible it can be.

But..i sit and wonder...and marvel at how resilient i am in not giving up the idea of maybe one day.. but that one day will never come..and then i sit and wonder .. why have i not stopped ?

Thirty n dirty :)

  

   Being almost 30.. its a killer thought once it sinks in, but you're only as young as you feel. I feel released, i feel matured, i also feel like i can take the damn consequences. It's like building a cake and i am just putting the icing on to make it beautiful. My dreams have deepened, my desires have multiplied, my darkness has increased, my heart has died and my fantasies are dominating. 

   50 shades of grey..damn stupid book and movie..its such a stupid stereotype and cliche. I finally understand it, its not about having sex, not about the love story, not about the toys and the red room. Its all about the feelings of freedom, the liberty that it gives you, the edges that become polished and the mind that goes wild. Its acting upon your instincts, releasing those damn dark corners of your mind, its about opening them up and widen them, stretch them as far as you can. 

    It's about giving in and enjoying, the rush, the adrenaline, the dangerous. There is no guilt, no judgement, no caring about anyone else but yourself. The selfishness of wanting more, wanting it all, wanting them just for you. The time has come to be your worst self and at the same time the best version you've seen. Its not about them, its all about you. Its the beginning of a movie that you feel so deep it literally alters every single pore on your skin. 

   It's about the sweat, its about mind numbing, penetrating and distructive feeling you've ever had. Its about letting go of control and giving in. Look as deep and as dark as you want, feel the burning passion, the desire, the emotion coursing through your veins. Its about feeling your blood boil, its about not hearing your thoughts anymore but living the pleasure. 

   Its releasing those chained, obscure thoughts that you never thought could come to surface. It's about what you could experience and not about what they tell you to experience. It's about those sensations that you've deprieved yourself of and you've just now uncovered. It's like digging up an old buried treasure of which you've always had the map to but never dared to adventure. 

   My whole life has been about peeking through that red door where the treasure lied, about touching the surface but never dared, about half assed experiments, failed attempts with the wrong people. Always looking and never finding. 

Now its time to unleash, now it's time to not look back but to feel, now its time to let go and go on a wild savage search.

Back in time...but is it back in time?

Vreau doar o viata normala, oare cer atât de mult ? Fara complicații, cu scopuri concise si concrete de atins, bine determinate, scopuri care sa ma facă sa devin ambițioasă, pentru care sa lupt.

 E atât de dificil, pentru ca ești in mine, ești ca o boala de care încerc sa scap si nu pot, tot încerc sa o minimizez si nu reușesc, încerc sa o reprim, sa o ascund, încerc sa respir si nu pot, încerc sa mănânc si îmi amintesc.

 E greu , e al naibii de greu sa vrei sa poți sa scoți totul din tine, sa lași sa iasă la suprafață ..dar si când o faci, o faci si apoi plutește ca o rana deschisa in aer.

E ca o infecție care se împrăștie in tot corpul, se instalează in inima si nu mai pleacă de acolo. Si chiar de creierul își mai păstrează urme fine de rațional, in cele din urma il acaparează si pe el.
 
Totul devine inutil, oricât de tare ai încerca sa te concentrezi pe altceva nu poți.
Iar eu sunt o luptătoare, dar cu ceva de asemenea magnitudine nu ma mai pot lupta.
Simt cum scurge fiecare bucățică de energie din mine, cum ma roade din interior spre exterior.

Si cum sa ai atâtea sentimente si sa nu le poți exprima..ma sufoca,ma îneacă,dar nu am alta soluție, decât sa tac.

Si am cautat o viata întreagă sa pot sa simt cu intensitatea asta, si chiar dacă ai fost mereu acolo, undeva in mulțime, si eu te-am ratat..acum când îmi dau seama , când ochii îmi sunt deschiși, ma întreb, de ce?

De ce te caut când mintea-mi doarme, de ce-mi apari in vis, de ce ești omniprezent, de ce calci pe urmele mele, de ce nu te pot lăsa sa pleci, de ce te țin încapsulat în mintea mea, de ce nu te eliberez, de ce nu ma eliberez ?

Si cand noaptea vine..totul devine cu ușurință mai greu..

E tarziu, dar mereu a fost...

Sunete, imagini.. Incep sa formeze idei.. Trist, e o intrebare ai totodata o constatare..nu ma mai leaga nimic trupesc , sufletesc.. Parca totul a disparut in neat, ciudat e ca nu mi amintesc, nu mai stiu care i calea, nu reusesc sa deslusesc daca aici trebuie sa ma opresc sau e doar un inceput de sfarsit, amuzant...dar nici aici nu reusesc sa prind cu adevarat esenta cuvantului fericire. Cel mai probabil nu am fost nascuta pt fericire, sunete ce formeaza cuvinte... Cuvintele inca dor, faptele inca ranesc, iar eu fericire tot nu simt. Jumatati de masura, umbre si suspine ale unui sentiment care ma face, cel putin pe mine sa stralucesc, ma umple. Am vrut sa ti vorbesc, poate o sa fie tarziu... Nu stiu,incertitudinea este cumva din nou aliatul meu..intr un fel tot acest calvar va fi povara mea! Evident, incerc sa razbat si parca nu pot ori nu vreau, ori stelele sunt aliniate gresit...imagini, am vrut sa creez.. Creierul, al meu in principiu parca a obosit.. Dar am vrut sa ti vorbesc.. Am vrut sa sti.. Probabil tu o sa fi singura persoana pe care am sa o regret... Dar am obosit.. Si tot ma doare, nu i nimic la fel, si parca mi as dori sa traiesc in trecut, urasc prezentul.. Seamana cu o cireasa amara, diferenta este ca amar predomina... Insir nenumarate cuvinte.. Dar esentialul este ca mi e dor..de o viata mai buna..

Negociaza cu mine.

Pasiune.. tanjit..iubire.. am folosit cuvintele acestea in aceasta vara excesiv.
Totul a fost excesiv.
Brusc, spontan.
Am dorit sa schimb totul, si am schimbat, am vrut sa simt cu pasiunea unei furtuni, si am simtit.
Am intins mana, nu am cerut nimic, doar am luat. Si nu am avut nimic de castigat, poate doar o satisfactie personala.
Oamenii sunt niste marionete.
Trebuie doar sa ai un pic de minte sa-i invarti,si devin papusele.
Dar am tanjit, vara aceasta mi-am dorit sa rastorn totul, sa devin alta, sa-mi separ corpul si sufletul,mintea si inima.
Le-am separat, doar ca undeva am gresit, undeva am uitat sa pun punct, si mi-am zdrobit in cadere totul.
Nici corpul, nici mintea, nici inima, nici sufletul nu le mai am. Le-am vandut, le-am dat asa de ieftin, nici nu am gandit.
Cum sa mai gandesc, cand le separasem.
Acum suspin, si ma dor, ma doare sufletul, ma inteapa inima, mintea ma inghesuie, iar corpul,corpul..e obosit.
Mi-am vandut sufletul.
Te rog, adu-mi-l inapoi, te rog, lasa-l sa traiasca, lasa-l sa zburde liber in continuare, dar te rog, nu-mi mai zdrobi spiritul.
Mi-am vandut inima.
Si nu am mai luat-o inapoi. Sper sa te bucuri de ea, caci nu o mai pot lua.
Mi-am vandut mintea, mi-ai furat concentratia, TE URASC.
Si apoi.. e doar un sentiment, efemer, iluzoriu, amar ..
Mi-am vandut, nu le-am vandut, ca ar presupune un targ, sau cel putin un castig, le-am dat gratuit, m-am ales cu durerea.
Urasc iluziile, si te urasc pe tine.
Dar nu am de ales, alta alternativa nu mai am, si trebuie sa inlocuiesc durerea asta cu ceva. Sa te urasc e mai logic, pentru ca daca persista durerea am sa vreau sa ma razbun.
Razbunarea e o prostie, arma prostului, prefer sa te urasc, desi arata ca-mi pasa, dar nu, e doar o emotie ce inlocuieste durerea.
E mai simplu.
Te urasc.

Mergeam pe strada .. si gandeam, cu muzica in surdina..si un joc de lumini, de umbre si picaturi fine de ploaie se jucau in fata mea..Nu puteam auzi copacii cum cantau, dar puteam sa ii vad cum danseaza. Puteam sa vad cum o raza de lumina imparte in pasi de dans o umbra razleata.. si imi amintesc, cum intr-un loc uscat si lipsit de viata vedeam radacini ce aveau sa prinda candva verdeata..
  
    Si uneori imi imaginez cum inima mea ce tresalta se arunca pe drumuri fara continuare, cum ratacesc in mintea mea, cum alerg in lipsa unei certitudini.. cum nimic nu are sens fara culori.
 
   Nu mai vreau nimic.. poate doar un pic, un strop de iubire.. si noaptea cand atinge pragul ferestrei mele, imi amintesc cum niste ochi ma urmaresc..imi amintesc cum in fumul tigarii deslusesc siluete ce se imbratiseaza..
 
   O soapta si atat, in inima noptii, e tot ce ai nevoie ca sa vezi o intreaga lume de vis.

  De cele mai multe ori pana si soarele se ascunde de norii furiosi, pana si luna se fereste de furia tunetelor singuratice..